İhsan ErenWhat can you do today?
Today's connection idea
One small step each day. If you don't like the idea, ask for another one; mark it when you've done it. Your weekly count is stored on this device and resets every Monday.
Send a short “thinking of you” message to someone you haven't spoken to in a long time.
Why? In experiments with about 6,000 people, participants consistently underestimated how much a message like this would please the person receiving it.Write a short thank-you letter to someone who has made a difference in your life, and send it.
Why? People who write them underestimate how surprised and pleased the recipient will be, and overestimate how awkward the recipient will feel. Writing one takes only a few minutes.Today, call someone close to you instead of sending them a message.
Why? People who talked to old friends on the phone reported feeling more connected than those who wrote to them, and it felt no more awkward than writing.Start a short chat with someone on the bus, in a queue or at the corner shop.
Why? People who talked to the person next to them on the train found the journey more enjoyable than those who travelled in silence, even though they had expected the opposite.Invite a neighbour round for tea, or knock on their door and check in on them.
Visit an older relative or give them a video call.
Why? According to the World Health Organization, 1 in 3 older people may be socially isolated.Today, eat at least one meal with other people, with the phones off the table.
Go for your walk with a friend, in a park if you can.
Why? It brings together movement, nature and conversation. For the effects of nature, see the Nature prescription page.Hug someone you love.
Why? In a study of 404 adults, those who hugged more often were slightly better protected against a common cold virus, and those who did fall ill had milder symptoms.Join a class, a choir, a walking group or a volunteering activity.
Why? Groups that meet regularly make it easier to keep connections going naturally.Today, listen to someone without interrupting them and without looking at your phone.
Send an old photo to the person you shared that moment with.
Why? Small, unexpected gestures of contact please the other person more than you might expect.Do someone a small kindness: carry their shopping, give directions, share a meal.
Steps you've taken this week
Surprising findings
Our predictions are wrong
Psychology research shows that we often avoid connecting with others because of mistaken predictions.
Talking to a stranger
When train passengers were asked to talk to the person next to them, they had a more enjoyable journey than those who kept to themselves, even though they had expected the opposite. The people they talked to enjoyed it too.
Thank-you letter
Writers underestimated how surprised and pleased the recipient would be, and overestimated how awkward the recipient would feel.
“Thinking of you”
About 6,000 people across 13 experiments: we tended to underestimate how much a short message or a small gift would be appreciated. When it was unexpected, the effect was even greater.
Voice call
People thought talking on the phone would be awkward; in fact, a voice call created a stronger sense of connection than messaging and took about the same amount of time.
The power of hugs: In a study in which 404 healthy adults were interviewed every evening for 14 days and then exposed to a common cold virus, those with strong social support and those who hugged more often were slightly better protected against infection; those who did fall ill also had milder symptoms.
Loneliness or being alone?
Loneliness
The painful feeling that comes from the gap between the relationships you want and the ones you have. You can feel lonely even in a crowd.
Social isolation
Objectively having few relationships and little contact. It may affect 1 in 3 older people and 1 in 4 adolescents.
According to the World Health Organization's 2025 report, loneliness and social isolation increase the risk of stroke, heart disease, diabetes, cognitive decline and early death. In the analysis of 148 studies, the effect of social relationships on the risk of death was comparable to that of well-known risk factors such as smoking and alcohol, and greater than the effect of physical inactivity and obesity.
For loved ones who can't leave the house
A stroke, a hip fracture, Parkinson's disease or long-lasting pain can leave a person isolated by confining them to their home and their bed. Loss of mobility and loneliness feed each other.
- Visit or call regularly, and don't keep the conversation only to health.
- Include them in family decisions and everyday tasks; feeling needed matters.
- Hearing or vision problems can lead to withdrawal from social life; get them checked.
- Walking confidently again also makes it easier to go out and meet people. See the guides to recovery after a stroke and after a hip fracture.
Video
What makes a good life?
One of the most-watched TED talks in the world, by psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has been running since 1938.
Lessons from the longest study on happiness
The key message of the study, which has followed hundreds of people from their youth into old age: good relationships keep us happier and healthier.
Frequently asked questions
Is it living alone or feeling lonely that's harmful?
Both. Social isolation (few relationships and little contact) and feeling lonely are different things, and both increase health risks. In the analysis of 148 studies, the link with survival was even stronger in studies that measured social relationships in more than one way.
Is messaging enough?
Messaging builds connection too, but in one study people who talked to old friends on the phone reported feeling more connected than those who wrote to them by email, and, contrary to what they expected, they didn't experience any more awkwardness. If you can, try a voice call or meeting face to face.
How many friends should I have?
There is no set number. As Robert Waldinger, director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has been running since 1938, stresses, what matters is the quality of your relationships more than their number: even a few close relationships you can trust are very valuable.
I've felt lonely and unhappy for a long time. What should I do?
This feeling is common and it can change. Small steps can help; but if you've had low mood, hopelessness or changes in sleep and appetite for weeks, see a doctor or a mental health professional. If you're having thoughts of harming yourself, call 112.
Sources
- World Health Organization. Social connection linked to improved health and reduced risk of early death. WHO Commission on Social Connection, 30 June 2025.
- Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Layton JB. Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review. PLoS Med. 2010;7(7):e1000316.
- Epley N, Schroeder J. Mistakenly seeking solitude. J Exp Psychol Gen. 2014;143(5):1980-1999.
- Kumar A, Epley N. Undervaluing gratitude: expressers misunderstand the consequences of showing appreciation. Psychol Sci. 2018;29(9):1423-1435.
- Liu PJ, Rim S, Min L, Min KE. The surprise of reaching out: appreciated more than we think. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2023;124(4):754-771.
- Kumar A, Epley N. It's surprisingly nice to hear you: misunderstanding the impact of communication media can lead to suboptimal choices of how to connect with others. J Exp Psychol Gen. 2021;150(3):595-607.
- Cohen S, Janicki-Deverts D, Turner RB, Doyle WJ. Does hugging provide stress-buffering social support? A study of susceptibility to upper respiratory infection and illness. Psychol Sci. 2015;26(2):135-147.